If I was an electrical appliance.

I would be a shaver. No question about it. Can you think of any other electrical appliance that has its own exclusive power point?
When a shaver checks into a motel or hotel with its electrical appliance mates, it must get such an ego boost when it says, 'Ok electric carving knife, phone battery recharger, ipod speakers and lap top, you guys hang out here. If you need me I will be in the bathroom plugged into the power point that says 'SHAVERS ONLY'. Being that special would make anyones circuit boards tingle.

Michael Jackson. What a bum.

I don’t want to speak ill of the dead but he isn’t really dead is he. Like Elvis, MJ will live on in the collective memories of loyal groupies forever. Guys like him don’t go to heaven I reckon. They head to a special celestial PR firm. The fact he was a kiddy fiddler seemed to be counter balanced by his catchy pop songs. Maybe people would like OJ Simpson more if he had had a few radio hits. There is no doubt that Jackson was a tragic figure, too many people made too much money off the guy and that ultimately ended in his death. 50 gigs in London. What a joke. For me the thing that will always stand out is the fact he had paid someone to have a miniature version of his bum attached to his chin. I wonder if all the plastic bits get unbolted once he gets to the other side. Goodbye Michael. May you rest in pieces.

Losing the war, winning the product tie-ins

(aritcle I just wrote for Media Week ME)


Communism may have failed, but the merchandise lives on. I just got back from Hong Kong and that place is awash with Chairman Mao watches, alarm clocks, little red book lighters and t-shirts galore. It was the anniversary of Tiananmen Square and the Chinese press wasn’t allowed to refer to it as a massacre, but yet it seems ok to turn their great leader into a novelty item. The wristwatches with Mao’s arm vibrating like he had Parkinsons disease, cracked me up. There obviously isn’t an office of the brand of Mao that approves these things.
Che Guevara is the ultimate commie pin up boy. I like a nice Che T shirt as much as the next bloke, but I draw the line at the pair of jeans I saw at Dubai Mall, featuring Che, spray painted in silver on the rear pockets. WTF?
There are more ex US presidents alive than at any time in history, but where’s their merchandise? I wonder if any of them feel a little bit bitter about the fact that although they helped win the battle of good versus evil, they never made it onto watches and lighters like their red counterparts. It’s not like there aren’t some good opportunities available. How about a Bill Clinton watch with little cigars for the hands. George W could do a deal with the makers of those units fro drying fruit. They could launch a big industrial sized one called George W Bush’s Weapon of Mass Desiccation.
Speaking of launches, seeing as how Gulf War 1 was basically a really big PR event for the launch of the Hummer, why didn’t they do a George Bush Senior model – ‘The Bush Hummer. It will go anywhere except Baghdad.’
Saddam Hussein missed out on a greatest commercial opportunity after the 1st Gulf War. His line ‘The mother of all battles’ was a classic that’s been adapted all over the planet. Bet he wished he’d copyrighted that beauty. George W tried to launch his own catch phrase in GW2, but ‘Mission Accomplished’ came back to bite him in the bum. It seems that the truly memorable leaders have loads of merchandise. In a million years, when alien anthropologists are sifting through the charred remains of the wasteland that was once earth, they will sort through the watches, t shirts, coffee cups and key rings in an effort to work out who was once the most powerful and revered leader on this rock. Based on the sheer volume, I think they’ll conclude it was Mickey Mouse. And that’s kind of interesting because when you think about it he has a lot in common, with Americas Presidents. A well recognized face of a large organization who is ultimately just a figurehead with no real power.

Feeding time at the aquarium. And you’re on the menu.

(an article I just wrote for Media Week ME)

I took the little one to see the aquarium at the Dubai Mall the other day. The tank is impressive. I wonder how long it will be before an enterprising young creative team ask if they can stick an underwater billboard in there for a sporting goods store or water safety or waterproof cameras, blah, blah, blah.
Frankly, I thought the charge for walking though the tunnel was a rip off. The free view from outside was better. But the underwater zoo upstairs was cool. Notice how you always see the same collection of animals at a zoo. But at aquariums, there are always a few underwater freaks you’ve never seen in your life. You come out with the impression that the sea is full of teeth. Some small, some big, nearly all of them nasty. But on this trip I realized that the most dangerous sea creatures at the aquarium don’t even live in tanks. They have voracious appetites and they only feed on one thing. You and I. The Scientific name for this deadly family is – Giftsandsouvenirs. But there are a wide variety of sub species. Cuddly Dolphin, Bendy Crab key ring, Squeezey Bath Turtle. I fell victim to a nasty little glow in the dark crayfish necklace.
These dangerous creatures of the deep hunt in packs and they choose their feeding ground smartly. Rather than chase their victims, they lie in wait near the exit, and let you come to them.
A parent’s first instinct, upon realizing they’ve stumbled into a Giftsandsouvenir feeding ground, is to run. But these cunning creatures are too smart for that. They arrange themselves in bins, racks and shelves, forming an intricate maze that makes it impossible to get out without going past the final kill zone. The cash register. The whole time, the desperate cries of your child are ringing in your ears. You know that to ignore them will only trigger louder ones, so you give in and that turns the cries into squeals of delight. Annoyingly, these squeals tend to die out fast. Often before the end of the car trip home. It seems the potency of a stuffed sea creature, is related to its proximity to the Aquarium gift shop. But the sting in your wallet can last for days and that is evil genius of the oceans most lethal creatures.

Vote for me

My other t shirt up for scoring at Threadless this week

My new t shirt is up for voting

To much power can be a dangerous thing.

Article I just wrote for ME Media Week about the perils of Power Point.

We talk a lot these days about the need for brands to make an emotional connection with consumers, but what about making an emotional connection with clients? In new business presentations in particular, it seems that rather than engaging the client eye to eye, technology has made it all to easy for us to swivel towards the big screen and leave it to Power Point.
Once upon a time there was the humble pie chart and the simple but effective bar graph. They used to appear together on overhead projectors and pretty much had the place to themselves. But then in the 80’s they got married and proceeded to create a family of Brad and Angelina sized proportions. Pie Chart and Bar Graph’s kids have fancy names like Brand Matrix, Brand Onion, and Insight Pyramid.
The big problem with Power Point is it gives someone who wouldn’t normally be able to address a large group of people, the power to do just that. In the wrong hands too much Power Point can be a dangerous weapon, turning a boardroom into a bored room faster than you can say ‘pass me the laser pointer’.
For an agency pitching for new business, the temptation to overdo the Power Point presentation is driven by the urge to demonstrate to the client that they understand their business and have put a lot of time and thinking into the meeting.
A smart client shouldn’t fall for quantity over quality. If I was a client, I’d force the agency to restrict it’s strategic presentation to a handful of slides, forcing them to distill their thinking down to its very essence.
Next time you’re planning a presso, consider going Jedi. Remember the scene in Star Wars when Obi Wan is teaching Luke to use his light saber and he makes him put on a blindfold and ‘use the force’? Now I’m not suggesting you blind fold the clients (although that could be interesting). I mean, switch off the Power Point, turn away from the big screen and tap into your own creative force.
It doesn’t have to be all talk. Look for a more interesting way to show the client you understand the fundamentals of their business. There’s a great story about the Saatchi brothers pitching for British Rail back in the day. The client arrived at the agency for the presentation, only to be told that the team wasn’t ready yet and to have a seat. The client waited in reception. Patiently at first, but after repeatedly being told the meeting would start soon, they stormed back to the lift in a huff. Waiting to greet them on the ground floor were the Saatchi brothers who said, ‘Now you know exactly how thousands of your customers feel each day.’ Then they invited the surprised client back upstairs for the meeting.
If you can come up with an entertaining and relevant way to make your point, why wouldn’t you do it? Creative thinking is what clients come to their ad agency for and that doesn’t have to start with the work. So unplug that Power Point. Your presentation wont be the only thing that benefits. Ever noticed how 90% of presentations start with you all sitting around making uncomfortable small talk, while a nervous Indian guy tries to get the boardroom computer system working? I’m pretty sure that IT stands for ‘IT’s not working’. Maybe that’s technology’s way of telling us to go ahead and do IT ourselves.

The difference between mummies and zombies

The difference is only skin deep. Well, just above the skin actually. And there's a lesson there for all of us.

Poo

This is a t shirt my friend Paul Akiki and I have up for voting on Threadless at the moment. You can go vote for it by clicking on it if you want....

Pole Position

So my friends have started pole dancing classes. I thought they were joking but it turns out there really is such a thing. My first thought was that it is great that strippers can turn their skills into a job when the allure of the strip club fades. My four friends are all women. I don’t think many guys would sign up for pole dancing, but apparently it’s a hardcore workout. Actually, I kind of got that impression from the routines I have seen over the years. I’m not sure how my friends plan to use their new found skills, but I wonder if a pole dancer finds it hard to walk past a street sign without getting the urge to do a quick twirl. The woman doing the classes reckons they tried to get pole dancing into the Olympics. Fair enough, the equipment is already there and it would be a lot more audience friendly than pole vaulting.

Swine Flu coming to a tv near you

You know who wins? The chickens. After all the bad PR they have put up with they must be chuffed that another animal is copping the bad press about passing lurgies onto the humans. Given the choice of swine flu or bird flu i would go for the avian strain. Just seems cleaner. Maybe if they have to do a public awareness campaign on swine flu they could use Porky Pig. People like him and he seems healthy. Or maybe Spiderpig form the SImpons movie. Or Babe the pig. People respond well to movie stars telling them what to do.

Radio Ga Ga

If you have a young child and a car you’ve done this.
They insist on you playing one of their crappy nursery rhyme or fairytale CD’s as you drive them to school or a friend's house. You drop them off and continue on your merry way, only to discover a few minutes later that you are still singing along.